Here’s a sample of what’s coming out of the North Pole these days. A colleague of mine received this in her inbox after her son sent a letter to Santa. I’ve deleted the identifying information.
We are in receipt of your list of demands and are prepared to negotiate terms. At this juncture, there are some items which bear, mentioning, to wit your requirement for a new “I [heart] Boobies” bracelet to replace a misplaced original. Please be aware that North Pole policy (Statute IV, Paragraph 3.iii c.) regulates issuance or use of
…any token, insignia, logo or trademark used or intended for use by the general population in the furtherance of any cause, ideal or purpose without the express involvement of the recipient in the represented cause, ideal or purpose. Such issuance shall be contingent upon the recipient exhibiting the minimum niceness to naughtiness ratio as given in Appendix 4.1.
Given your claimed niceness of 75%, you may qualify for this gift. Please note that times you spend awake contribute to your niceness to naughtiness ratio more than times spent asleep. And we do know when you are sleeping. And we know when you’re awake. (Try not to think about that too much.) Having said that, in order to ratify your qualification for this item, policy requires that you exhibit “involvement,” which could take the form of consumption of sufficient foodstuffs containing free radical scavengers, such as a large bowl of broccoli soup. Please see your mother for further details.
Regarding the Gatorade water bottle, recent research into the the effects of bisphenol A has lead to a reduction of in our output of plastic water containers. We do have an appealing selection of stainless steel water bottles which may interest you. Please note that our research shows Gatorade to be just glorified Kool Aid or, to use a term coined by your brother, “crap.”
With regard to your request for less homework, we can try to effect our influence on your teacher, provided you review your use of apostrophes in the clause cited.
You note that “A. started it.” In considering this testimony, please refer to the previous notation with respect to knowing when you are sleeping and when you are awake. Such intelligence extends to whether you have been bad or good as well. And do remember, the motivation, as per Section XIV, Paragraph 12.xvi.e is to “be good for goodness’ sake.” The presents are just a bonus.
One final request is that when you arise on the morning of the 25th, that you refrain from jumping up and down on your parents’ bed, at least until your mother’s had her second cup of coffee. And please empty out your stockings before you put them on.
Until then, I remain faithfully yours,
K. Kringle (sometime known as S. Claus)(sometime carrying on business as Santa’s Gift Delivery)
P.S.: If I bring you that waffle maker, can you leave me waffles instead of cookies next year?