Jesus Christ returns to Earth

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Jesus Christ -- return brings mixed reaction (photo by Muhammed Smith)
Jesus Christ -- return brings mixed reaction (photo by Muhammed Smith)

SAFED, ISRAEL — After a lengthy absence from the planet, Jesus Christ has returned to Earth, according to a news release from the newly-formed Office of the Messiah (OM) in Safed, Israel.

“Yes, he’s indeed back for good,” stated OM spokesperson, Muhammed Smith at a press conference in Safed, yesterday. “It’s going to take some getting used to for pretty much all of us. He’s not exactly what most of us were expecting, but then again, isn’t that what we were expecting?”

Smith may have been referring to the mixed reaction that Jesus Christ — or simply “Jesus,” as he reportly prefers to be called — has received since his arrival back on the terrestrial orb.

“If he is the Messiah, well I don’t know. Who can say?” said Hebrew University of Jerusalem student, Yaffit Cohen at a barbeque lunch hosted by OM  Saturday in East Jerusalem. “He gave a speech; we all clapped. Everybody likes him.” Sporting a T-shirt with the logo, “WWID?” Jesus himself fired up the coals, flipped cheesburgers and pork chops and mingled with the crowd.

Some fundamentalist Christian groups, however, were less enthusiastic. “His hair is the right colour, but the rest of him sort of gives me the heeby jeebies,” said Mitch Rosenbaum of the New York chapter of Arians For Christ.

“It’s natural for us to have an image of Jesus — or anyone for that matter — and then feel disconcerted when we actually see them face-to-face,” says psychologist, James Dobson of the Christian organization, Focus on the Family. “We’re presented with a blond, sabbath-breaking, pork-chop eating Jesus, and we say, ‘Hey! That can’t be right!’ It takes us a moment to realize that that’s really how we’ve thought of him all along.”

A spokesperson from Buckingham Palace stated, “There is something dodgy about him, but then again, I just like the word ‘dodgy’.”

Despite the mixed reaction, world religious and political leaders have given Jesus a thumbs-up. A private breakfast hosted this morning by the OM in Safed was attended by the followining officials, to name a few:

  • Pope Benedict
  • Billy Graham
  • Barack Obama
  • Osama bin Laden
  • Bashar al-Assad
  • Elijah the Prophet
  • Mahmoud Ahmedinejad
  • Prince Charles
  • Bob Marley
  • Ismail Haniyeh
  • Mahmoud Abbas
  • Benjamin Netanyahu
  • Ahmed and Salim Majayef

Shortly after the breakfast, the Vatican released the following announcement: “The Holy Father is very impressed with Jesus. At the breakfast, our Lord took Pope Benedict aside and said to him, “You’re doing a great job. Don’t change a thing. Oh, and Karol says hi.” Jesus even shared his dish with the Holy Father.”

“The Billy Graham Evangelistic Association would like to express its ongoing support for the work of Jesus in this world,” said a statement from the well-known protestant organization.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and former Palestinian Prime Minister Ismail Haniyeh reportedly exchanged hugs after the event. “He [Jesus] just sort of brings everyone together,” wrote Rabbi Shlomo Riskin in The Jerusalem Post, Thursday. “He looks like our answer to world peace.”

An editorial in the May edition of Christianity Today expressed this sentiment: “The religious establishment categorically rejected Jesus the first time around. I don’t think we’re going to make the same mistake this time.”

Fascinating Tales has been offered an exclusive interview with Jesus. What do you think of the new Jesus? Offer your comments and questions below, and we’ll try to have Jesus respond to them. Watch this site for further developments.

Coming soon: Jesus — the Interview

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2 thoughts on “Jesus Christ returns to Earth

    1. We-e-e-e-e-e-e-ll.

      Okay, sure. This Jesus seems dodgy. But why is he dodgy? That’s a subject for discussion.

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