The World Health Organization has announced that it is now time to panic about the impending H1N1 pandemic, or swine flu, as it is more commonly known.
“Up until now, we have been advising people that there is no need for panic,” said Dr. Keiji Fukuda, at a press conference early Thursday morning. Dr. Fukuda is the World Health Organization’s acting assistant director-general. “However, after extensive consultation with experts in a number of fields, we have come to the determination that the time to panic is now.”
When asked which experts were consulted, Fukuda replied, “My plumber, for one, is really worked up about this flu thing. And the guy who fixes my car — he’s sold his house and converted the equity into dishwasher tablets. What a hoot! Now that’s panicking!”
While Fukuda says he doesn’t personally endorse converting your entire portfolio into dishwasher tablets, he does recommend a balanced portfolio that includes at least some soap products and firearms. “I personally would put about 40 to 50 per cent in four or five decent Ponzi schemes,” he said.
Although the WHO has called for the panic button to be pushed, Fukuda stressed that the agency has no intention of raising the pandemic level to level 6, the highest level. “We are still at level 5. Pandemic level and panic level have no connection whatsoever.”
“And it’s still safe to eat pork,” he added.
Now that the panic button has been pushed, it allows governments to free up panic funds, Fukuda explained. Already, several nations have organized special lemming runs, where concerned citizens line up on bridges and all jump together. Also, some airports have begun shooting down planes that look like they might have been to Mexico.
“Worldwide panic means different things to different people,” says talk show host, psychologist, Dr. Phil McGraw. “For some it means spending days in a fetal position and being fed through a tube. To others it means holding the local 7-11 hostage with a slingshot. We need to give each other space and be respectful of each other’s values.”
Psychologist and author, Dr. Laura Schlessinger disagrees. “No one doubts that there are different ways to panic. But it’s best for families if wives stay home and wring their hands, rocking rhythmically back and forth while their husbands spend their 401(k) at the pub down the road.”
Will any of these strategies work to stem the coming destruction ahead? “Of course not,” declares Fukuda. “That’s not the point of panic. But it’s something that’s part of our nature. It’s part of what makes us human.”