Scientists confirm sky falling

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Researchers Nicholas Aerolithos and Erol Goktashi at the University of Northern BC in Prince George examine a portion of sky recovered from above Portland, Maine.
Researchers Nicholas Aerolithos and Erol Goktashi at the University of Northern BC in Prince George examine a portion of sky recovered from above Portland, Maine.

PRINCE GEORGE, BC — A new study conducted by researchers at the University of Northern BC in Prince George has confirmed what scientists have suspected for decades: the sky is falling, according to a report released Monday.

The study, which examined various portions of sky all over the globe, over a seven-year period, revealed massive deterioration in celestial infrastructure, the report said.

“Over the years, there has been a degree of skepticism within the scientific community,” said cosmologist, Erol Goktashi. “This study effectively removes all doubt. The sky is falling.”

Goktashi was quick to point out that the degree to which the sky is falling, and the speed of decline is still a subject of further study. “There are portions of Mexico and New York over which is effectively no sky whatsoever,” he said. “What we still need to learn, however, is how much sky we have left, and how long we have until complete celestial collapse.”

At least one environmental group has expressed concern over the findings. “Science is finally catching up with what we’ve known all along,” said Sven Miljovardare of Concerned Citizens for an Intact Celestiosphere. “We need to do more to ensure that the sky stays up there where it belongs.” He spoke at a rally in downtown Vancouver where supporters carried banners and signs with slogans such as “The sky is falling!” and “Support our skies.”

“It isn’t a matter of if,” says Goktashi, “it’s when. We can stave it off for some time. We’ve looked at installing reinforcements, but ultimately, the whole kit and kaboodle is coming down.”

Not all scientists have accepted the findings. Dr. Thomas Saphkon of Apocalypse, New Jersey is president of the local Skywatchers Club, an amateur astronomy group. “You get a study like this from time to time. It goes to the press, and all of a sudden everyone’s shouting, ‘The sky is falling! The sky is falling!’ A year later, we’ve all forgotten about it.” Saphkon says he and his club have been watching the sky for years without noticing any signs of structural distress.

Goktashi disagrees. “There’s certainly no indication that we should be panicking,” he said. “However, we need to take a finding like this very seriously. One day, the whole sky will come cascading down around us, and there’s no reason it should take us by surprise. Now is the time to prepare.”

How does one prepare? Goktashi recommends investing in Ponzi schemes, “at least to provide a modicum of security.”

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